Bittersweet Fathers Day

So yesterday was father's day. A day where children are supposed to tell their dad's that they love them, and Fathers are supposed to kick their feet up and enjoy being a Padre. My son told me "happy fathers day daddy" right when I woke up. It's probably one of the best feelings in the world. I however, didn't call my dad and wish him a happy fathers day.

I pondered this all day. It's not like I forgot. I actively chose not to call my dad. even at age 29, the wounds and hurt of childhood still find their way to the surface. the words "I won't come to your soccer games because I don't like soccer" still sting with white hot intensity. The High School graduation that you missed still upsets me to this day. The wedding you missed, the birth of your only grandchild still upsets me. I don't think any amount of time or apologies can ever heal those wounds that I feel.

Last night, my son woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach. As I held him and rocked him back to sleep, I wondered if you would have done that with me, or just stayed in bed while my mom got up and took care of things. I wonder if I would have taken priority in your life like I do with my son. I wonder if on Fathers Day, you would have put aside your wants and needs and played with me. That's what I did. While I still had work that needed to be done, I put it on pause to play with my son.

I had a lot of chances yesterday to do things with my son that I don't think you ever did with me. Every time I did something with my son, I cherished every second of it and prayed for God to slow down time so I could enjoy it that much more. I wonder if had you been in that same spot, if you would have prayed for time to hurry up.

I learned many things from my dad. most of which are the ways a Dad shouldn't behave. I learned what abandonment and irresponsibility does to a young child.... especially a son. I learned that there are just some topics that a Father should talk about and teach his son. A son shouldn't have to learn to shave on his own or tie a tie on his own. A son shouldn't have to learn on the fly what Chivalry is. It should be taught from the beginning of his life. Every time his dad has the chance, he should open a door for a lady, pull her chair out for her, walk on the outside of the street to protect his lady. A son should NEVER have to refer to his mom as his "Fadre" (Father&Madre) like I have.

Because my dad wasn't there, I've learned that my only option as a DAD is to ALWAYS be there for my kids.