Right now I'm a heinz 51 mix of emotions. Humble one moment, angry the next. Somber now, and ten minutes from now, seeing red and wanting vengeance. Last night motivated, this morning, holding back.
Let me bring you back ten years ago this evening. I was on the USS Cleveland returning from a 6 month deployment to the Persian Gulf. The sun had set, we were 4 days from arriving home to our friends and family, and in an overall very happy mood. The movie Pearl Harbor had just been released and we had the chance to watch it. We called it Movie at Sea. We opened the Hangar Bay on the flight deck, put up a huge white sheet, and watched movies. I sat with my mom and enjoyed the movie. I was appreciative that my mom was able to share being out at sea on a US Naval Warship with her only son. It was a beautiful evening in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
That was 12 hours before our Captain told us about the Attacks. It was the last peaceful/non war time freedom I had.
on the morning of September 11th, 2001, We were set to have an awards ceremony at 0800. Our Captain was always early. He was a great Commanding Officer. He took care of our crew. He wasn't this hoity toity officer who made people wait because he was the boss. He was the kind of officer that made sure his crew was happy. He was the kind who never kept us waiting just because he felt like it.
SO, on that morning, 0800 came and went.... 0830 came and went. Somewhere around 0840, the captain came on the 1MC (Ships loudspeaker). "Cleveland...." This was the first sign of something wrong. Whenever he spoke to the ship, he was always chipper and ALWAYS Said "Good Morning or Good Afternoon or Good evening"... Instead we got "Cleveland.... The awards ceremony will be cancelled this morning. There has been a terrorist attack in New York. I don't have many details right now, but the news is playing on the Mess Decks. Please make your way there. We're most likely going to get the most relevant information there in real time than what I'll get from my chain of command."
My initial reaction? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!?.... I walked to the Mess Decks and watched in horror as I saw two planes fly into the Twin Towers. I saw the people jumping to their deaths. I saw friends who had family back in NY go white in the face and try to reach their family. They had no luck since most of the phones were over capacity. I watched them worry themselves grey. They were in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and had NO WAY to know if their family was ok.
I watched the mood of the ship go from disbelief, to shock, to horror, to complete anger. As much as we wanted to go home to our families, at that point, there was only one thing that every sailor on that ship wanted.... They wanted the blood of the extremist radical pieces of shit spilled in every country that they belonged to. They wanted to inflict the most cruel, harmful, inhumane damage possible to those who caused this tragedy. I went from being the laid back, nice california guy to someone who couldn't wait to get behind my .50 cal Machine gun and make sure someone was on the receiving end of my fury.
I didn't care if there would be collateral damage. I wanted the whole god damn middle east turned into a glass parking lot. I wanted the radical fucks to be tortured until they shit themselves. I wanted them to endure so much pain that they would denounce their god and burn in hell. I wanted nothing more than to find one of them, throw them in a pig pen and have their bodies defiled by the swine in the pen with them. after that I wanted to find every last one of them, cut their eyelids out, and MAKE them watch naked women walk around. I WANTED them to know that their "Heaven" that they so desperately wanted was now wretched out of their possession. I wanted them to feel an ounce of the pain that over 3000 families felt that day.
Do I still feel that way? YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS I DO! But now, I want them to feel the pain that over 10,000 familes feel every day. If you're here after reading my Bio on twitter, Yes, James 3 is my favorite book in the bible. YES, I do believe in forgiveness. But even now ten years later, I cannot forgive those who inflicted so much pain, loss, and fear into our nation. Even with OBL killed, Even with Saddam killed, I don't feel a sense of relief or retribution. I can only hope that their "GOD" is a false god and they do spend eternity in a lake of fire. I hope that their 40 virgins are Madelin Albright, Nancy Pelosi, and Hillary Clinton. Hell, I hope one of the other virgins is Strom Thurman while we're at it.
Is this post WAY out of the norm on this blog? Yes. Do I apologize for the way I feel? NO.
For the following three years after 9/11, I was in a constant state of alertness. I was in a constant state of not knowing if another attack would happen. I was in a constant state of feeling as if the last time I saw my family would be when I went home on leave. I was in a constant state of anger because our country didn't deserve this. I was in a constant state of sorrow for the familes that lost loved ones. and over the past ten years, I've constantly thought of every family who loses a soldier, sailor, and airman because of the war that was a result of 9/11.
Yesterday morning, one of my friends on FB shared this audio clip. To say that the anger I felt ten years ago welled back up within me would be an understatement. Now All I wish for is that countries that still harbor terrorists would be turned into a big glass parking lot, Donald trump buys it, turns it into a big whorehouse with a moat filled with pigs.